Seven Tips To Help Children Adjust After Separation

When it comes to separation it is normal for children to feel unsettled. Separation usually means big changes for families and it is important to remember it is a tough time for everyone. Talking with your child/ren is a really important aspect of support to help them adjust to the changes in their daily routine. Here are seven practical tips you can implement to helping your child/ren adjust:-

Keep it simple – your child does not need to know all the nitty gritty details however they need to have some simple understanding of what is happening and that things will be okay again. It is useful to use clear, simple language your child can understand.

Hit the pause button – when it comes to tough question that you will be asked by your child, it is important to give yourself time to think. If you can’t answer straight away, tell your child you will get back to them. You can say “I don’t know right now, and your dad/mum and l are still working that out, but you will get to spend time with each of us”. If your relationship with your ex-partner is okay, let them know that your child has asked some questions.

Keep the conversation flowing – make time for regular talks with your children. Children can keep thinking about an issue and ask questions more than once. Keep your child informed of any new developments, remembering to keep it simple. Perhaps allocate a regular catch up time, maybe it is playing a game together once a week where conversations can flow.

Acknowledge feelings – parents expressing their feelings in a calm and healthy way is natural. It is important to let your child know that you love them and that your divorce has nothing to do with them. When children observe parents expressing their feelings in a healthy and resourceful way, it reinforces that it is okay for them to express their own feelings as well. It is a great opportunity to explore and understand feelings together.

Support network – sometimes it is easier for children to share their feelings with another trusted adult, whether it be a teacher, aunt, grandparent or counsellor.

Consistent routines – Keeping up with routines will support your child to cope with changes. Informing your child that regular play dates with a friend or reading a special book before bed won’t change. Maintaining morning rituals and creating new ones with your child creates new conversations by involving them in the change. Involving the child in the change helps them fell like they have some control. Listen carefully and acknowledge their opinions.

Laughter is the greatest medicine – take some time out to have fun together. Spontaneous activities that you both love to share, injects laughter and fun into everyday life, especially when parents are going through a separation.

TELLING YOUR KIDS YOU ARE SEPARATING: TIPS ON HOW TO HAVE THE CONVERSATION

You have made the situation to separate and now the time has come to tell your children. We know you are dreading it, it is in no way an easy conversation and it will be difficult for everyone involved. However, the sooner you are able to have the conversation means you are now able to have things out in the open.

Here is a short list of some tips on how to prepare and have the conversation with your children.

1.       HAVE BOTH PARENTS PRESENT AS A UNITED FRONT

It is important when you have this conversation that you do not appear hostile or fractured from your child’s other parent. It is important that the children see that you both are having this conversation with them and you are both there for them through this difficult time.

2.       LET THEM KNOW YOU LOVE THEM AND IT IS NOT THEIR FAULT

Kids have a tendency to blame themselves. Similarly, when you are fighting with your child’s other parent, children can sometimes feel that it is their responsibility to take on that emotion and mitigate the tension.

Remember to let them know they are loved and that it is not their fault. Potentially rehearse your reason as to why you have separated with your now ex-partner. This can make for easy communication when this comes up during the conversation.

3.       INVEST TIME IN PREPARING YOURSELF AND PREEMPTING QUESTIONS  

This is not an easy conversation to have and of course you will be nervous! You are only human! You can always contact a professional/counselor on how to approach the conversation as a way to prepare if this is the easiest way for you and your ex-partner.

Preempting questions with your ex-partner is also a good idea as it keeps you both on the same page. If the children realise you are not saying the same thing, it doesn’t show them you are both a united front and it can be confusing for them. You don’t have to preempt everything but maybe discuss what you think the main questions the kids will ask and discuss the best possible answers for the time being.

4.       ENCOURAGE YOUR CHILDREN TO EXPRESS THEIR FEELINGS AND RECOGNISE THEM  

It is important that your children know their feelings matter during this time. Listen to them and make sure you are following up with their emotions during the conversation and after. This also helps to show them that having the feelings and emotions they have are normal.

Once the conversation has occurred, you can also consider booking in an appointment with a child psychologist so they can talk about the changes and the feelings they are experiencing.  

5.       MAKE TALKING ABOUT SEPARATION AN ONGOING PROCESS

Keep your children in the loop. Now this does not mean dump every emotion you have on them or tell them every detail. Make this judgement based on their age and maturity.

If you make talking about your separation normal, then your children will feel more open to ask questions if they are still confused and it encourages open communication.

We also have a previous article on our blog page with book recommendations to explain divorce to children! These can be really useful especially if you have very young children.

Dating After Divorce

Getting back into the dating scene can feel very daunting. For some of you, it may have been 10 or 20 years since you last sat across from a total stranger, having awkward small talk and trying to calm the butterflies in your stomach.

The thing is, dating is very normal but after going through a divorce it can almost seem like an impossible task. Here are a few tips we have put together to help you get through the dating nerves.

DON’T RUSH YOURSELF

The first piece of advice and the best we can give is to not jump into the dating scene if you’re not ready. Sometimes we want to rush the grieving process and just get back to being normal. However the truth is that you have/or are grieving the end of a life you thought you would have. This takes time to get over.

If you are not ready to let someone into your life that is perfectly okay! It takes time to work out what you want and what you don’t want so don’t rush into it!

DON’T OVER THINK IT

You don’t have to marry them; this is just a first date. It will not do you good to be thinking that far into the future as this will just create unnecessary anxiety. This is a lot harder to implement because especially if you’re a girl you LOVE to overthink but honestly it is just wasted energy. Try and enjoy this new experience or an old experience you haven’t had in quite some time!  

NERVES ARE NORMAL

A first date is always nerve racking for everyone. You will be nervous and so will the person you’re going on a date with, IT IS NORMAL! The key is how to use those nerves to make the most of a very exciting day!

Remember that butterflies are normal and once you start taking conversation will flow.

DON’T HARP ON ABOUT YOUR DIVORCE

Do not go on about your divorce. It is very easy to get into the story of this life changing experience you have been through but honestly a first date is not the time to be spilling your guts up about your ex-husband/wife.

It is enough to say I have been divorced for X amount of time now and I’m excited about this new chapter and I just wish my ex all the best. Short, sharp and simple and it shows you are ready to move on with your life.