TELLING YOUR KIDS YOU ARE SEPARATING: TIPS ON HOW TO HAVE THE CONVERSATION

You have made the situation to separate and now the time has come to tell your children. We know you are dreading it, it is in no way an easy conversation and it will be difficult for everyone involved. However, the sooner you are able to have the conversation means you are now able to have things out in the open.

Here is a short list of some tips on how to prepare and have the conversation with your children.

1.       HAVE BOTH PARENTS PRESENT AS A UNITED FRONT

It is important when you have this conversation that you do not appear hostile or fractured from your child’s other parent. It is important that the children see that you both are having this conversation with them and you are both there for them through this difficult time.

2.       LET THEM KNOW YOU LOVE THEM AND IT IS NOT THEIR FAULT

Kids have a tendency to blame themselves. Similarly, when you are fighting with your child’s other parent, children can sometimes feel that it is their responsibility to take on that emotion and mitigate the tension.

Remember to let them know they are loved and that it is not their fault. Potentially rehearse your reason as to why you have separated with your now ex-partner. This can make for easy communication when this comes up during the conversation.

3.       INVEST TIME IN PREPARING YOURSELF AND PREEMPTING QUESTIONS  

This is not an easy conversation to have and of course you will be nervous! You are only human! You can always contact a professional/counselor on how to approach the conversation as a way to prepare if this is the easiest way for you and your ex-partner.

Preempting questions with your ex-partner is also a good idea as it keeps you both on the same page. If the children realise you are not saying the same thing, it doesn’t show them you are both a united front and it can be confusing for them. You don’t have to preempt everything but maybe discuss what you think the main questions the kids will ask and discuss the best possible answers for the time being.

4.       ENCOURAGE YOUR CHILDREN TO EXPRESS THEIR FEELINGS AND RECOGNISE THEM  

It is important that your children know their feelings matter during this time. Listen to them and make sure you are following up with their emotions during the conversation and after. This also helps to show them that having the feelings and emotions they have are normal.

Once the conversation has occurred, you can also consider booking in an appointment with a child psychologist so they can talk about the changes and the feelings they are experiencing.  

5.       MAKE TALKING ABOUT SEPARATION AN ONGOING PROCESS

Keep your children in the loop. Now this does not mean dump every emotion you have on them or tell them every detail. Make this judgement based on their age and maturity.

If you make talking about your separation normal, then your children will feel more open to ask questions if they are still confused and it encourages open communication.

We also have a previous article on our blog page with book recommendations to explain divorce to children! These can be really useful especially if you have very young children.

21 Day January Challenge - Starting your New Year with a sense of purpose

1.     Recognize the small daily stuff to be thankful for. Write down what you are grateful for this year, this month, this week, this day.

2.     Journal to get in touch with you and your emotions. Allow yourself to write whatever comes to your mind, without judgement and lots of compassion.

3.     Be mindful of your thoughts and practice presence through breathing. Calm your thoughts and ease your mind.  Headspace app offers several free meditations that are really useful for beginners.

4.     Set an intention, either a single word or phrase to guide you for the new year. When you set an intention, you can use it as a guide to align your thoughts, decisions and actions throughout the year. If you find yourself moving away from it, re-align yourself. Check-in and ask yourself what do you want more of in your life?

5.     Set the tone for the new year by committing yourself to a 21 Day Self Care Challenge. New Years is an opportunity to reset and restart the new year in the right mindset.

We are just about to start our 21 Day Challenge for January! You can download the calendar page through our website under Do Divorce Different or email hello@familylawlife.com.au and we can send you a copy.

The 21 days of wellness challenge all fit into one of three categories – mind, body and spirit. Mind activities will get you thinking, body challenges will help you connect with feeling even better and spirit are all self-care ideas that will support you to feel grounded within you.

We hope these tips can help you feel more grounded for the new year ahead and we hope to see you join our January challenge!

How to co-parent during the Holiday Season

Be prepared, communicate and never assume!

If you have a written Parenting Plan or a set of Parenting Consent Orders, then you have most likely already negotiated and agreed to special days and arrangements for the term and long summer holidays.  If drafted well, those arrangements should be clear and concise – easy.

However, what if your Parenting Plan or Consent Orders aren’t clear and are open for interpretation? Perhaps you’re newly separated?  Maybe, you simply have relied on verbal agreements as communication with your ex is pretty good.

Discussions

Whatever the case, things change and life gets in the way. Unless you have attempted a discussion around special days and holidays, you should never just assume things will fall into place.

Think Practically

For occasions such as Christmas or other special religious or cultural days, it is important for your kids to share those days with both their parents and extended families. Think about how that can be achieved and also the logistics involved.  Perhaps your family celebrates Christmas Eve rather than Christmas Day or one of you have a traditional large family gathering for Christmas dinner?  Look at all options and consider what works best for all involved.

Respect and Clear Communication

The key to successful co-parenting is open, respectful and clear communication.  Now that you have separated, you and your ex need to start thinking and communicating differently. Think about what is in your kids’ best interests – remember they have all the rights.  As parents, you have responsibilities and obligations.  Put your differences aside and set aside any hurt or anger you may be feeling.  Keep your communications devoid of emotion and business-like in tone and manner.  Offer options or alternatives rather than making demands.  Don’t “sweat the small stuff” and focus on outcomes.  Always consider compromise as this will be key for you both to reach an agreement. 

Whilst this all sounds good in theory, sometimes special days and holiday negotiations take considerable effort and sometimes remain unresolved.  There may be times when you need a third party to assist like a mediator or a family lawyer to provide some legal advice around your options and next steps.

Whatever position you find yourself in, remain focused on your kids so as to ensure the best possible holiday season for your family.