Seven Tips To Help Children Adjust After Separation

When it comes to separation it is normal for children to feel unsettled. Separation usually means big changes for families and it is important to remember it is a tough time for everyone. Talking with your child/ren is a really important aspect of support to help them adjust to the changes in their daily routine. Here are seven practical tips you can implement to helping your child/ren adjust:-

Keep it simple – your child does not need to know all the nitty gritty details however they need to have some simple understanding of what is happening and that things will be okay again. It is useful to use clear, simple language your child can understand.

Hit the pause button – when it comes to tough question that you will be asked by your child, it is important to give yourself time to think. If you can’t answer straight away, tell your child you will get back to them. You can say “I don’t know right now, and your dad/mum and l are still working that out, but you will get to spend time with each of us”. If your relationship with your ex-partner is okay, let them know that your child has asked some questions.

Keep the conversation flowing – make time for regular talks with your children. Children can keep thinking about an issue and ask questions more than once. Keep your child informed of any new developments, remembering to keep it simple. Perhaps allocate a regular catch up time, maybe it is playing a game together once a week where conversations can flow.

Acknowledge feelings – parents expressing their feelings in a calm and healthy way is natural. It is important to let your child know that you love them and that your divorce has nothing to do with them. When children observe parents expressing their feelings in a healthy and resourceful way, it reinforces that it is okay for them to express their own feelings as well. It is a great opportunity to explore and understand feelings together.

Support network – sometimes it is easier for children to share their feelings with another trusted adult, whether it be a teacher, aunt, grandparent or counsellor.

Consistent routines – Keeping up with routines will support your child to cope with changes. Informing your child that regular play dates with a friend or reading a special book before bed won’t change. Maintaining morning rituals and creating new ones with your child creates new conversations by involving them in the change. Involving the child in the change helps them fell like they have some control. Listen carefully and acknowledge their opinions.

Laughter is the greatest medicine – take some time out to have fun together. Spontaneous activities that you both love to share, injects laughter and fun into everyday life, especially when parents are going through a separation.

TELLING YOUR KIDS YOU ARE SEPARATING: TIPS ON HOW TO HAVE THE CONVERSATION

You have made the situation to separate and now the time has come to tell your children. We know you are dreading it, it is in no way an easy conversation and it will be difficult for everyone involved. However, the sooner you are able to have the conversation means you are now able to have things out in the open.

Here is a short list of some tips on how to prepare and have the conversation with your children.

1.       HAVE BOTH PARENTS PRESENT AS A UNITED FRONT

It is important when you have this conversation that you do not appear hostile or fractured from your child’s other parent. It is important that the children see that you both are having this conversation with them and you are both there for them through this difficult time.

2.       LET THEM KNOW YOU LOVE THEM AND IT IS NOT THEIR FAULT

Kids have a tendency to blame themselves. Similarly, when you are fighting with your child’s other parent, children can sometimes feel that it is their responsibility to take on that emotion and mitigate the tension.

Remember to let them know they are loved and that it is not their fault. Potentially rehearse your reason as to why you have separated with your now ex-partner. This can make for easy communication when this comes up during the conversation.

3.       INVEST TIME IN PREPARING YOURSELF AND PREEMPTING QUESTIONS  

This is not an easy conversation to have and of course you will be nervous! You are only human! You can always contact a professional/counselor on how to approach the conversation as a way to prepare if this is the easiest way for you and your ex-partner.

Preempting questions with your ex-partner is also a good idea as it keeps you both on the same page. If the children realise you are not saying the same thing, it doesn’t show them you are both a united front and it can be confusing for them. You don’t have to preempt everything but maybe discuss what you think the main questions the kids will ask and discuss the best possible answers for the time being.

4.       ENCOURAGE YOUR CHILDREN TO EXPRESS THEIR FEELINGS AND RECOGNISE THEM  

It is important that your children know their feelings matter during this time. Listen to them and make sure you are following up with their emotions during the conversation and after. This also helps to show them that having the feelings and emotions they have are normal.

Once the conversation has occurred, you can also consider booking in an appointment with a child psychologist so they can talk about the changes and the feelings they are experiencing.  

5.       MAKE TALKING ABOUT SEPARATION AN ONGOING PROCESS

Keep your children in the loop. Now this does not mean dump every emotion you have on them or tell them every detail. Make this judgement based on their age and maturity.

If you make talking about your separation normal, then your children will feel more open to ask questions if they are still confused and it encourages open communication.

We also have a previous article on our blog page with book recommendations to explain divorce to children! These can be really useful especially if you have very young children.

5 tips to make back to school less stressful

It’s that time of year again, its back to school time! If you are anything like us, you are secretly relieved because the kids are starting to truly drive you bonkers! At the same time you are a bit (read A LOT) panicked because you have once again left everything to the last minute and are making a mad rush to get everything organized - uniforms, lunchboxes, ballet, soccer, basketball…..all that fun stuff!

What about if you are separated? It can add an extra layer of stress. Here are our tips for separated or divorced parents to co-parent during the back to school rush.

1.       Make a plan for the first day of school

In an ideal world both parents would attend drop off on the first day of school. However, this is just not realistic, even when parents are still together. What works for some families, is to facetime or skype the other parents before heading off to school. Another idea is to take a photo of your child at the school and send it to your co-parent. It can be tricky when there is high conflict with your co-parent, but trust us, your kids will appreciate both parents being involved in this milestone.

2.       Communication is the key

We find the most overwhelming part of the school year is remembering all the special dates and events. This becomes even more stressful if you feel like you have to constantly remind your co-parent- nothing is more frustrating! Take this opportunity in the new year to relieve yourself of this burden. Each year the school releases a calendar of important events, grab this calendar and enter the dates into a shared calendar or a co-parenting communication app like Divvito (www.divvito.com) . During the year you can keep adding excursions, parent teachers interview, school concerts etc to the calendar.

3.       Avoid Backpack dramas

As children of divorced parents, we remember the irritation of the backpack we needed to pack while we divided our time between two homes. Your kids might similarly complain about the backpack, and sometimes they might even be embarrassed. Try lighten the load for your kids by having important belongings at both homes. Some families also speak to the teacher and make sure there is an extra bag space for their child.

4.       Keep the School in the loop

If you are recently separated, make sure to tell the school ASAP. Trust us, you are not the first parents of the school to separate, they will understand and will be well equipped to help your child navigate through this change in their life. Make sure both parents receive school newsletters, reports and bulletins. Nowadays most school have online portals too, and both parents should have separate logins. If you see your child is struggling, reach out to the school and teacher, they might need a bit of leeway and that’s OK!

5.       Dreaded homework

Getting your kids to do their homework is hard enough! Putting two different homes into the mix can make it even more stressful. The key is to make sure both parents are on the same page. Have a chat with your co-parent and discuss what your expectations are when it comes to homework. Ideally, you want your child in a routine which is carried through both households, consider if they need to do homework on set days of the week? Sit at their desk or the kitchen table? Do homework before dinner?

Every family is different and only you know what will be best for your family and your child! Whatever routines you choose to put in place this year…make sure you enjoy that first latte in peace on Tuesday morning! You’ve got this!